It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Delightful if true: booby trap.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?