This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The glory of fall.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle