High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.