Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear