Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?