Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME