@MoistPork

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

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@down_thehole

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

@noog

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@veronaway2

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@JustASmirk

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.