Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.


Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.


Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.