Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.


Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.


“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.


I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see


ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*


Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose


[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche


Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.


T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING


Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES