@MoistPork

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

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@HatfieldAnne

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

@dshack8

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

@ROTTENFEMUR

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

@GlennyRodge

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

@mxmclain

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@BatBatshitcrazy

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@ericsshadow

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES