Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
sometimes we need to be reminded
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.