The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Finally a use for spoilers…
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.