The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl