“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.