Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.