me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*lint rolls you awake*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know