Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.