me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?![]()
You Might Also Like
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*