Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Did my cat write this
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Breaking news:
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.