It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me trying to “trust the process”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.