Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.