Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
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Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.