Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
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me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.