You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.