a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth