Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
you have three unread messages
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
no one ever comes back
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I am all good here, 😂😉
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.