There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Employees must applaud the planets.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
smh
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
What about a To-Don’t List?