There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no