My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Always
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class