Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.