My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
LMAO.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.