Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*launders Kohls cash*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The Punning Dead.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga