My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Finally, an explanation.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year