My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]


Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…


My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?


This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.


Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail


People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”


Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u