@EndhooS interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
@IHideFromMyKids My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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@EndhooS 
@djdarrellripley Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
@ericsshadow My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
@TheCatWhisprer Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
@Playing_Dad Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
@FilmsWeWant Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
@WheelTod People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
@get_em_girl Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
@awkwardphilippe *gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*