Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

If you know, you know

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u