“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Risking my life for fun.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Chemical wingman
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
the answer was staring at me all along
Important
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”