MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Happy thanksgiving!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Thinking about Jeff
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows