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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.