Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand鈥檚 enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Don鈥檛 measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
We’ve all been there
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
she has a point
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom