🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I feel it
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me as a therapist: omg same
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor