I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

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Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.


I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.


Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless



My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.


I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks


Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time


cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”


Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)


Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]