I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Incredible customer service.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m giving up ice.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.