@JasonBerlin

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

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@StyloDad

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

@erichwithach

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

@glum_and_fun

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@sweetmomissa

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

@azizpabani

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@PaperWash

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife