You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.