Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.