I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.