It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
me linking you to my twitter
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.