My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….