My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
found this cool rock hiking today