My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks