My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”