If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
#JohnTravolta
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!