Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
OH. COME. ON.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
can I use a minion as a tampon
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
anyone else like Italian cereal
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.