Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.