“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
incredible
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.