Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Meanwhile in Canada…
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!