@cravin4

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

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@OllyiConic

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

@mochanya

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

@

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

@TopherKearby

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

@MadHatterMommy

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@MikeDrucker

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.