Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
You Might Also Like
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The days of good grammer has went
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
mmm onion ringos
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.