Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.