somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.