My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
This was a bad idea all around
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!