Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
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Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster