[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
liiiiiiiiike
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
From Facebook just now…
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
What a chick magnet..
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.