Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like