Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.![]()
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“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Note to self: I am a note
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.