Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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