Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
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[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL