“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
nice challenge
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
She was REALLY feeling it.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]