I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me as a therapist: omg same
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.