#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
live, laugh, laundry.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Finished stitching this today 😇
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile