The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people